Local Authority Project Manager

Project Management: get in, deliver and go. Avoid politics and cut through the bullshit. Hang on, these are local authorities we're dealing with here...

Tuesday, 11 December 2007


And as predicted, the day before the team Christmas lunch we're given 90 days' notice because there ain't no money. Of course the Government has allocated *money* but it's not all there yet, nor has any of it been ringfenced or allocated to certain provision. Probably as we speak the directors are wrestling over a (little) pot of gold.

The basic gist is, in my department there are two teams consisting of nine jobs, only one (the 14-19 coordinator) is funded on a permanent basis. Of course it's likely that many of these jobs will be funded, no one knows when that funding is going to reach us. So our bosses have been forced to say we'd love you to stay on, because the team's been doing so well: we've exceeded our targets, and we've become trailblazers with fuck all funding , but if you can't afford to 'wait and see' if you we'll get the funding for your job, then we totally understand that you will have to fuck off.

The Government is run by a bunch of Retards!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, 10 December 2007

Rumours, rumours, rumours...

Rumour has it that the entire team is being made redundant tomorrow (apart from the 14-19 coordinator) because the fucking Government still hasn't sorted its arse out with the Comprehensive Spending Review.

One of the jobs that's not being funded after March 2008 is the Diploma Coordinator...forgive me if I'm missing something but isn't the Diploma meant to be *the* new qualification? So surely it would make some sense to fund a post to develop it? Nope? OK.

Watch this space...

Tuesday, 6 November 2007


DCSF = The Department for Children, Schools and Families.
More commonly known in the industry as the Department for Cushions and Soft Furnishings.

I suppose in keeping with the Jones' the LSC is Lots of Scatter Cushions.

Tuesday, 30 October 2007


Apparently there are no NHS dentists. Anywhere in the UK, at all. Nil none nilch.

That's OK, I thought, I just want a dentist, any will do.

So I called my nearest dentist and got an appointment a couple of days later. Apart from being warned somberly of the consequences of me not turning up to the appointment ('thoust will not getith another one') all seemed rather straight forward...though they also said I needed some utility bills to prove I was who I was and lived where I lived...which struck me as odd because going to the dentist is probably one of the least likely activity that one might create a false identity for, I digress.

Anyway the dental assistant asked how I normally pay for my dental treatment.
I thought for a moment. Card, cash, access, Mastercard, cheques, strange favours, high risk gambling, a large drinking session, bunches of flowers, blank cheques, in small fortnightly installments, over the phone, by post, over the counter, at the post office, using my ClubCard, skill swap, my mum's charge card, actually I was thinking of taking the old boy on a cruise what do you reckon...
We agreed on cash. Then she ticked a little NHS box on the new patient's sheet and asked me to sign.
So is this an NHS dentist?
That's right.
Oh. I thought there weren't any. I thought that people were on four year waiting lists just to get on the waiting list. I thought it was easier to get into North Korea than to get an NHS dentist (both as equally unappealing).
Slightly perplexed I wandered through to the dentist.

As I lay on the chair getting a scrapping (eek) I heard someone at reception enquiring about becoming a new customer. She was turned away.
'Go,' I said, 'Gi got ge last GNHS aggointment ghen?'
'We take one in every thirty people and only from these two blocks.'

And so the randomness of the NHS (dare I call it a postcode and random person lottery) continues.


Information Adivce and-not a fucking clue-Guidance

There's a new type of qualification coming boys and girls, it's so fucking amazing that it's going to take over A levels, in a few years' time if you ain't doing one of these then you'll be sooo square that even the teachers will be giving you wedgies and flushing your head down the bog.
Yeah. So there.

What was that? You want to know about these new qualifications? Well, you know they're being piloted next year.
You want to know the teaching criteria too? Well that's on its way. Honestly it is. I mean it's right round the corner and everything. December. Possibly March.
Do you really need to know whether we'll be ready to be delivered in time? What kind of question is that? It's the Government OF COURSE IT'LL BE READY.
How can we be sure? Oh, coz the Government says so. Yep, that's right. They're really backing it.
You see, you heard the new advert on the radio last night? Isn't it good? Makes you really excited about learning. Pisses all over A levels doesn't it?
Sorry you what? You've heard that there's three more lines being to the qualification? I'm sure you're wrong.
You said it's true? Hang on...of course we get told everything first....nope you're correct. Three more. That's a bit of a surprise. Don't worry I'm sure they'll be excellent at telling us more information when we need to know.
They've changed the grading criteria too? I'm sure you're wrong.
You said it's true? Hang on...of course we get told everything first....nope you're correct. All change. That's a bit of a surprise. Don't worry I'm sure they'll be excellent at telling us more information when we need to know.
You want to know whether you'll still be able to get onto a degree if you do one of these new fancy qualifications? Well...erm...
After all you've read that they can be used to get onto a degree, universities won't turn them down. It's true, right? Right? Hello?